After an obsession

Just a few minutes ago I was fixated on something I saw on Instagram. The obsession lasted a total of 20 minutes. That's twenty minutes of my day wasted. Even as I write this, I'm having intrusive images of what I was fixated on.

So, what does it feel like to have OCD? In a word, it's exhausting. A twenty minute obsession is, unfortunately, not abnormal for me. It may not seem like a long time, but imagine being solely fixated on one particular thing for twenty consecutive minutes while disregarding everything else that's going on around you. My eyes feel tired. My brain feels overworked. I feel utterly exhausted. And of course a part of me feels disappointed in myself for even feeding into the obsession. I'm sitting here frustrated that the images of the obsession won't leave my mind. I lightly bump my head with my fist as if to bump the thoughts out. Let it be known that OCD absolutely f*cking sucks.

With this particular obsession, my compulsive behavior presented as 'checking'. According to The Gateway Institute, "Checking OCD occurs when a person experiences intrusive thoughts, fears or concerns (obsessions) that cause doubt and uncertainty" (2019).

BUT, this is one bad twenty minutes out of many hours of managed OCD. I don't see this situation as a set back, but as an indicator of what I need to improve upon when it comes to independent exposure and response prevention therapy.

And as always, have a great afternoon.