Hard work is hurting my brain

It's GRE season, ladies and gents and non-binary friends.

Well, I suppose that every season can be a GRE season, but for me, it's now.

Yeah, so I've never been confident in my academic abilities until I started college... That was such a weird sentence for me to write, because they always say that things are harder at a university. Not that things aren't hard. Trust me, I study a lot and not everything comes easy to me.

Since I now have the expectation of being an open book, I'll dive into my high-school years.

It's been hard having to live in the shadows of three incredibly bright and successful older brothers. I never thought that I could ever be as smart as them, and so I never tried to be. My insecurities were masked by my comedic and seemingly unserious nature. With my goofy persona, I was often condescended and labeled as "stupid". But being stupid often accompanies the rebellious character in the movies, so that's what I strove to be. I relied so much on music since that seemed to be the only thing I was good at. And even with music, at times I was rejected.

Deep down, I hated feeling like an academic failure. I knew I had the potential to do well, but I just gave up on myself. So, I kinda dug my own grave when it came time to apply to colleges.

Somehow I managed to get accepted to a wonderful university where I could start fresh. Confident from my acceptance, I really applied myself to my studies and humbly speaking, I've been doing very well.

Today I took another GRE practice exam to which I ended up scoring only slightly better than the first practice exam. Feelings from high-school consumed me, and I went back to considering myself a failure.

But I'm not a failure. I'm capable of scoring well on this exam, and that's exactly what I intend to do.

Obsessively studying and worrying about receiving a specific score will only tire me out.

Like mentioned so many times before, my brain works a little differently than my peers. It's extremely hard to stay focused and apply yourself to something when your OCD is taking full mental priority. And I think that's another reason for my sorrowful high-school years.

From this moment on, I've decided to step out of my brothers' shadows (and anyones for that matter) and into my own spotlight. Because I excel in areas they don't. I'm capable of doing anything I put my mind to. I'm inimitable. I'm smart.

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I'd like to give a quick shoutout those who have been there for me tonight and always. You're all truly wonderful and I could not adore you all more.

I'm proud of YOUR accomplishments and am always here for you.

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And as always, have a wonderful snooze.