The ultimate exposure

On Friday, I was confronted with a very OCD triggering situation...

A genetically predisposed disorder surely, but let's not disregard the environmental factors that might... or definitely... contribute to my obsessive compulsiveness.

See, my brain has always been "miswired". In an attempt to explain what I mean, let me quote a credible source: According to a lab report brought by the University of Michigan, "...OCD patients may have an “inefficient” linkage between the brain system that links their ability to recognize errors and the system that governs their ability to do something about those errors" (Fitzgerald et al, 2018). Faculty member, Katie Fitzgerald, puts it eloquently when stating that "It’s like [people with OCD] foot is on the brake telling them to stop, but the brake isn’t attached to the part of the wheel that can actually stop them."

I know you're all dying (props to me for typing a trigger word) to know what the situation was, but I'll spare you the details for my own privacy and for that of others.

Let's just say that the situation on Friday was an ultimate exposure. It's not something that could have been replicated when doing my ERP therapy back at home. It's something I have spent my whole college career trying to avoid. But alas, there I was in the midst of a situation I've been anticipating/avoiding/obsessing over for years.

The initial shock of the incident caused an influx of anxiety that almost drove me to run away from it all. But I didn't runaway. Luckily, I was with someone who knows my OCD all too well. I've confided in this person. This person has seen my OCD firsthand and willingly pushes me to resist any OCD-like behaviors. This person provides safety and comfort to me, and I'm so glad that she was able to be there for this exposure. So thank you, mystery person, for being exactly what I needed at that given time and for continuously making sure I'm okay.

I hate to admit it, but I'm happy that this triggering situation happened. If I'm not confronted with my biggest OCD fears, how will I ever recover?

I know that I'll be presented with such fears in the future, but I'm ready for them. Eventually, I'll become desensitized to these situations and will spend less time living in fear. I want nothing more than to live my life free of these irrational worries. I'll get there. I know it.

And as always, have a fantastic snooze.